Many people are afraid of the ocean’s depth, and I’m one of them. Who knows what lies at the bottom? Or does it even have one because sometimes, somehow, for me, with its vast uncertainties it seems bottomless. It is real terrifying deep down—the coldness, isolation, weird things and it’s definitely difficult to get back on the surface. So, no, I’m no diver.
But I’m sure, you know that’s not what I mean in this blog post.
I have always been different or more like the world around me made feel I was and I am. As a young girl, which is now funny for me now that I’m older, I barely smile because I didn’t know how. And when I started attending school, in class, I was always the quiet one or the weird one or both. I was bullied for not being like everyone else.
I’m not literally a diver, but I dive in the ocean of my being—of my thoughts and emotions. I care about places, people and just about everything that matters so much.
I care about things most people don’t care about. Was I already born with a personality that understands people, feel nature stuffs more? idk. I don’t like hating people because I try to understand that behind their brave faces and words, there are wounds that made them act the way they did.
Listening, observing and feeling are my defaults! I genuinely see beauty in everyone and in most unexpected places. I look behind appearances, the stories, words.
This may be great, but sometimes being like this, being me feels like a bad thing.
Why I’m now afraid of depths…
It feeds my anxiety and depression
I admit I love that I feel deeply because I get to write poems and express my emotions through beautifully knitted words. But then it gets too much that it becomes unhealthy.
When I pay too much attention to my emotions to write, the feelings grow from simple frustration or disappointment to sadness and it will then lead to another depressive episode.
Or one minute I’m writing about life, suddenly I feel overwhelmingly upset by the cruel things that are happening around us. And knowing that there are children or older adults without a decent shelter to stay when it’s raining, who sleeps with an empty stomach, but I can’t do something to help them all, saddens me more.
Planning will turn to overthinking, and that makes me more anxious.
Sometimes, it can feel a little lonely. Just sometimes.
Finding someone with the same views, passion is important indeed. Someone who you can truly connect with. Someone real. It is not easy. And when you find them, it’s totally worth it. But when each of you needs alone time, seeing everyone talking and laughing about things, it can get a little lonely.
Some people think I’m always sad
I go shopping, travel and do things mostly alone because I like to reflect and challenge myself. No, I’m not a loner, I like people, being with people and I have real great friends that I love. It’s just that I’m not afraid to explore alone. People may call it as being a loner, but I call it being bravely independent.
I am genuinely happy with myself. We should not depend our happiness on others.
So, I don’t want to be anything else but me. However, for now, I will swim a little higher just to breathe and flow with the ocean waves.